Day 1

Going insane. Literally. I think I'm going to develop some pseudobipolar disorder.

One minute I'm thinking I'm ok; the next I'm blowing my freaking brains out.

I repeated it to myself 100 times (I counted to make sure), I must do this, MUST.

No matter what it takes, if this is what I need to do to gain back your trust, so be it.

Like you said, this isn't over. Yet.

I will change. I must. Just you wait and see. I wiped away the dust on my Bible earlier on today, and realized what a terrible person I had suddenly morphed into. I wasn't like this before. Now I hardly recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I've got to find my way back somehow, to the person I was before - or an even better one. Over the years I've become more and more a hypocrite, becoming the man I always hated. This is far enough. Deep down inside I have always known that I was free-falling to a doom, but I always chose to ignore it. I had no reason to care. Not anymore. Not if changing can give me back my life.

I only wish you are here with me through all of this.