Day 22

9 more days.
Till I'm back with you.
Till I get to see you again.
Till I get to finally squeeze you tight.
Till I will be able to give you your presents.

:)

My house is empty now. Quite depressing at nights. Guess just have to keep busy with games and more games. Oh and doing my case report as well.

The university is keeping us in the ultimate suspense regarding out OSCE results hmm. Ridiculous wait.

great impressions!

Family Guy S08E21

Funniest episode I've watched in ages!!

Day 21

Just had my awesome dinner while watching Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood and I realized, next week's episode is going to be the last one!! Fuck. You know how a series just ends and you've been following it since day 1. Yea. Sucks big time. It has been voted the best Japanese Anime according to a few polls already and I certainly can see why. A fucking good plot better than any Hollywood bullshit, comedy, action fight scenes and sentiment enough to make you cry at times; this show has it all.

Thanks to Tan Ek Guan who introduced me to FMA in IMU haha. Even before this Brotherhood series. It is the only anime I watch, and considering how I generally don't fancy anime, it has to be really good to catch my attention.

Hmm. I'm already halfway through my tub of Haagen-Dazs. And watching Family Guy - absolutely hilarious shit. Life is good.

And it will get better in 10 days time! If only you know how much I miss you.

Day 20

10 more days left! Need I say more? 

Decided to watch The Departed again at night. To fill my free time. Glad I did, it is such an awesome movie. Jack Nicholson is a freaking legend. 

Can't wait to pack my bags and head back to you. It is times like these I'm so glad I'm alive. Sometimes I feel it is the only reason to be alive. Love.

Went to church this morning after a very long time. Different from ECF, but good nonetheless. Thinking of heading to ECF at least once when I get back to KL. We'll see.

Waiting to make a phone call now before sleep. Best part of the day coming right up.

!

My latest blog post has gone missing. Again. This is damn weird. What the hell is wrong with Blogger.

Anyway needing to prepare now for church. Yeps finally going again after almost a year hiatus. Kind of scared though. Let's hope that it goes well.

And thank you for being there to talk to me last night when I felt massively upset. Speaking of clichés - which I posted yesterday but now it's gone - people say that suicide is a coward's way out. And then again, sometimes it is the only way out.

Day 19

I've found a reason to show,
a side of me you didn't know,
a reason for all that I do,
a reason to start over new,
and the reason is you.

Day 18

I realize, I still have a long way to go.

But you're always willing to wait. I will probably never understand why I'm so lucky. Which is why when you mention the word 'holiday', I just couldn't hold it in anymore.

I don't deserve it. I hope I will in the near future.

The house is so depressingly empty now. Doesn't even feel like a home anymore. I hate the night time. Sigh.

Day 17

Exactly 2 more weeks till I head to KL!!! In fact by this time in 2 weeks I'll be on the Emirates flight to Dubai and onwards to M'sia hehe. If this is not excited I don't know what will be. I can barely wait. Daniel heading back tomorrow though that lucky bastard. And then there were 2 left in the house. And it will soon just be me as Dom is also moving out by this weekend. Sad.

I decided to reformat my laptop. Suddenly got laggy and it was starting to piss me off. All the damn registry problems and duplicated files. I didn't know which one to delete so I just went for broke.

Had a massive Thai dinner just now lol. Ordered the set meal - which was dead cheap for the amount - which was actually for two people. I think I've settled my next 4 meals or so haha.

Tired. Packed day tomorrow. Think I'll just fall asleep and dream of you.

Day 16

I miss you so so much.

Day 15

FINALLY watched a movie today with my date. Thriller, and it was good.

I wish I could do this everyday for life. Go to work in the morning - which got cancelled, twice - and come back and sit back, relax, talk to my loved one and cuddle up to watch a movie before bed. Awesome. Oh not to mention walk the dog hehe.

Just had supper with Dom lol had kebab takeaway. Reminds me of the times in IMU when Dom & I (sometimes Stephen) would head to Ajimal for mamak then to the CC. Ahh IMU life was fun fun fun. Late nights, poker, Genting casinos, clubbing, getting drunk; you name it. It is just one of those memories that will always stick in your head I suppose, and possibly never going to occur again. Life eh. Just got to live in the moment and enjoy it as much as possible. Just looking ahead in a few years time we will actually have jobs and more responsibilities. Scares me sometimes.

Feels like yesterday I first stepped into IMU to begin this rather torturous medical life, and had that orientation. And IMU looked like a shopping mall literally and only consisted of medics, pharmacists & nursing students. And cheap canteen food.

Feels like yesterday we were all in KKB and a certain Mr Fong Zhi Ven was frantically lighting mosquito coils and emptying cans of mosquito repellent haha! And playing dotA in that best CC in the world lol. Desperate times call for desperate measures eh.

I think the one thing I fear the most is being alone. Not just in a relationship but also in general. Human beings were never made to be happy alone.

Day 14

This will be a short post. Needing to sleep to wakeup early tomorrow.

Ahhhh frustrating day. Waited the whole day to skype and when the time came I had to play football as they didn't have enough people.

And had to spend the entire night doing the portfolio and report sigh. That and I start at 8am tomorrow and I have a 2pm ICU ward round. Hopefully that won't take long.

18 more days haha! More and more becoming a reality to seeing you again.

I know I haven't been the best to you. Looking back there are so many things that I should've and could've done differently, but I didn't. Guess I messed up big. I won't again.

Day 13

Pffft. Busy doing portfolio and also writing up the case report. Had an awesome afternoon though with the BBQ, the food was just damn freaking good. Speaking of which I am hungry now and having the urge to eat something.

And I just got back with instant noodles. Just remembered anyway that I didn't have dinner haha. Better late than never I suppose. No wonder I have been so hungry the whole night! Been to caught up in my 'interesting' case of malignant otitis externa caused by pseudomonas. And sucking on the jawbreaker, which I can proudly say almost halfway through. 

19 more days till I'm back in KL. Wheeeeeeeeeeee! Having a movie date tomorrow with someone. Let's just say I have a good feeling bout this. It's been awhile since I've watched a movie as well I'm getting quite excited. 

Great. My diet today has been:

1) LOTS of BBQ meat

2) Half a bottle of Pepsi

3) Candy

4) Crunchie

5) Instant noodles

In trouble? Oh well. 

Day 12

Yea I know, my latest posts have been shite and moody and depressing. So here are some pictures :)

Decided to visit the online candy shop and found this awesome website called http://www.chocolatebuttons.co.uk/, and my mouth just started watering. Candy can seriously make you forget all your problems lol.

The quintessential Jelly Belly!! Only got 200grams of this as it was the new Ice Cream Parlour version. Going to purchase 1.8kg of the original 50 flavours to bring back to KL!

This jawbreaker is nuts. Each packer like this one contains ONE jawbreaker which is around 6cm in diameter. I think it is going to take me a week to get through this candy rock haha. Hyperglycemic times ahead.

As requested by the mermaid, melon marshies. Ahhh even as I type this I can feel the sugars filling up my veins (and arteries). I suddenly feel like going rock climbing. Or maybe a jog around the neighbourhood. Damn jawbreaker :D

For Fiona. Don't worry mermaid I got you two other surprises haha. You can tell your sister you are welcome, and that Bob says hi all the way from Jon's cupboard. I know this sounds gay but fucking hell this is damn cute. Plus Yomiko Classics are just so soft and cuddly.

That was the glucose.

Been doing my work tonight instead of playing online games. Felt the urge to tidy up my portfolio - review due on the 22nd anyway - and also started ever so slightly on my case report. Some nut got me all worried cuz she was high and tipsy but claimed she was ok. Luckily didn't drive herself home else I would've flown back to KL this instant to smack her. Plus lost her parking ticket some more that genius. Tsk tsk.

BBQ tomorrow!! Let's hope it is a sunny day like yesterday and not a shit gloomy one like today. But as long as there isn't rain I'll be more than happy. World Cup has been a total waste of time so far. Especially if you are watching France or England. Or even Spain for that matter. Especially England. Golden generation my ass. England should never compete in any competition again, and all their players should just retire and start selling fish 'n' chips they might score then. Draw with a country who plays football with hands, and then again today with Algeria, whom Rooney claims he knows no one in the team. Real smooth.

Bahh sugar high is running off. Right then.

Day 11

Totally knackered from football, but it was good. Finally exercised after 6 months?? Ridiculous. This when I needed to exercise and go for trainings every other day of the week when I was in Brunei. Before IMU. Being healthy was good.

I suck at surprises. Seriously terrible at it. Especially if it's something that I've planned or bought. Someone got to teach me that.

Have to start doing my portfolio with more seriousness. And also needing to start on my SSC report. What is going to make things worse is the fact that my patient has already been discharged and I don't think I've enough information. Fuck's sake. Think I'll just read through her file.

Had another talk today about the future, and if there will ever be one. Quite upsetting actually hearing that there might not be. Just trying so hard to push that aside and working on myself at the same time salvaging what is left of us. It isn't easy I know but then again I started all of this. The more I think about it sometimes I get more agitated/annoyed/frustrated at myself. If there is something that I can do right this instant to remedy this situation I would go to the ends of the world to get it.

But there isn't. So we'll just have to wait. And pray.

Day 10

I really got to place a notice on the outside of my gate stating that any parcels for me that cannot fit through the door to the hair saloon are to be placed in the washing machine area beyond the gates which are not locked. Hate the fact of having to wait yet another day for my items to arrive due to the rescheduling or (in my case today thanks to Parcelforce) having to go to the post office myself to collect it. Wasting time.

But I guess it's 100000x  better than the postage service in Malaysia, where either:
1) it doesn't deliver
2) delivered way late
3) delivered in a horrible condition / some items missing (happened to me before, some items were stolen wtf)
4) no one answers the phone in the office if you call to enquire or arrange redelivery
5) is there such a thing as a redelivery??

Looking at my calender now I realize there is exactly 3 more weeks left till I head back to KL. If that isn't awesome I don't know what is. That and passing my OSCEs and the Progress Test. And of course getting back together with someone. I know it is such a premature thing to say and predict but I really have a good feeling about us. Doing my best over here to change for the better I just need a little help from you to guide me through it all.

And the world will soon be ours again.

Day 9

Yet another day draws to a close. And we get closer and closer to seeing each other again. True, we are in a complicated state right now, but I assure you it will all change in the future. Working on me, working on us.

Speaking about the future, I can't wait already! It's just 3 more weeks to go to absolute freedom for me hehe. As I type my sister is probably almost touching down in Brunei already. Ahhh airplanes. I'm going to develop a hatred of flying soon. But the thought of there being something and someone to go back to makes it so much easier. Imagine being cramped up for 15 hours in a flying metal can + crying babies + annoying people sitting next to you + fat + smell. Terrible lol.

World Cup matches have been quite a bore so far. North Korea played surprisingly well though; Brazil almost managed to screw up. Typical. Portugal and Ivory Coast tried to rival France and Uruguay for worst shit game ever played.

I think you are the prettiest mermaid I know :)

Little things that you do to brighten my life

Sweet and romantic sounding title right? :D

Conversation between Erica & I:

Me:       So what is the size of the bikini that you want? 16 right?
Erica:     Damn mean I don't wanna talk to you anymore.
Me:       Lol I know it's 6 okay!
Erica:     NO IT'S 18.
Me:       Hahahaha if it's 18 might as well don't go to the beach.

Day 8

Had never felt so close to you in such a long time. Really felt that today was such a great day though I know you were pretty upset about the whole issue after that. Honestly though I really really wished it was under different circumstances, but then again as I said, I have never felt that close to you in ages.

A few more weeks and I'll be back in KL. Already made a list of things to do and eat, and a list of places to go as well. Ahhh I really can't bear to wait any longer!

If I can look at you at smile the whole day and all the pain will go away, I will. I really really just want us to be happy, and I guess only time can show that. I'll be here.

fate

Left my iTunes on last night to see which song I'll wakeup to, to test the powers of destiny. Instead, I found the power of God. Amazing. Coincidence? I don't think so. By the way this group is my favourite Christian band ever. They are just so good, both their old and new albums. 


Tenth Avenue North - Hallelujah
At first I am afraid but not because of fear
But the Holy of Holies is drawing me near
Your voice like thunder shakes the ground I'm on

So hide my face in the shadow of Your wings, oh Lord
Hide my sin from the beauty here before Your throne
Your throne

Hallelujah for the blood of the Lamb that was slain
Hallelujah for the blood of the Lamb that was slain
And so we enter in to see Your face, yeah
We enter in to see Your face, oh God

Well I'm falling to my knees. I feel the earth beneath
With the weight of my sin, and this crushing unbelief
Could You really love me with all that I've done, oh Lord

You spread Your hands
And made a refuge for the weak and blessed
The weary, bruised, and broken
Took our sin. Inside Your wounds we hide away
Inside Your wounds we hide


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music player for myspacemyspace fetishfacebook playlist

Day 7

How much are we willing to leave to fate and destiny? Till what extend are we ready to a chance on something or someone? How much should we rely on our intuition?

Clearly life is messed up. It is like an absolute tornado of uncertainty and vagueness. It chews you up and spits you out, leaving you to crumble in a heap on the cold hard earth. Why? Why are we so willing to fight for our survival when life is clearly intent on destroying us sooner or later? Is the few moments of glory worth all that we are doing?

For me it's the people that we meet along the way. Friends, enemies, lovers, you. One look at those eyes and I can see myself at 60 y/o, still looking at those eyes, still thinking how did I manage to get someone like you and still have the heart to throw it all away. I can see the house, the car, the dogs, the job...everything. Just from one look. It's just amazing.

I just wish I didn't hurt you the way I did. You deserve better.

Day 6

Just for a moment, I closed my eyes and I thought I could reach out my fingers through the webcam over to your side. Just for a moment, it felt like old times. Just for a moment, I just wanted to kiss you through the webcam and say those 3 words.

Then the moment was gone. And I realized, how far we have come, and how far we have left to go.

But as I said before, if there is one thing I'm sure of, it is this. Us. Never has it been in my mind was there another way we could end up. Sucks being patient, but I will.

It will all be worth it in the end, I just know it.

Day 5

Another day of ups and extreme downs. Talking to you made everything seemed better if only for awhile. But still reality hit me hard, like some cruel bitch mother. All the things that we used to do and say together cannot be said. All the things that we planned cannot be carried out.

Shadows bleeding through the light

Where the love once shined so bright

Don't let go on us tonight

Love's not always black and white

Oh haven't I always loved you?

But you are right. What I did was inexcusable. The fact that we are even talking like normal people should be good enough for me isn't it? Sigh.

My rehab is going well in any case. It is hard to show it, but you have to take my word for it. And I'm not gonna just let it go after a few months, or years for that matter. I want to make sure that it sticks in my head till the ends of time.

World Cup 2010 kicked off as well today. 2 games, 2 draws. Sad. England playing tomorrow against the USA will be the highlight of the games, but then again don't get your hopes up for England. People have been saying that the USA don't know jack about "sawker" but does England? Well they better perform as expected.

Day 4

Things have become much clearer now between us. Things to say and things not to.

It has not been easier - in fact sometimes it's worse than ever.

And like I told you on the phone yesterday, what if tomorrow never comes? Will you know how much I care about you and how I feel about you?

Can't wait for you to get back from your holiday and to be able to skype with you again. I wish I can snap my fingers and - bam! - a year has passed sigh. I just want things to be back to the way they were before. When it was perfect. Perfect for us.

Day 3

Had my OSCEs today. Screwed up one station out of the 16, but I really really hope I passed. My head wasn't even in the exam sigh. And skipped the after-OSCE party in Manchester as well. Just not in the mood. Instead came back and helped Dom prepare for his OSCE tomorrow heh.

I seriously don't know how I'm gonna do this. True that we are working on things, but waaaaa it's a long and winding road. But yea I know, there is no shortcut in love, and there is no rushing it either. We probably shouldn't had rushed into it the last time and yea I know, we should not make the same mistake twice.

Still, this is torture. In the worst possible way.

Still, looking forward to July and KL and you. It's like doing it all over again the long long way.

Day 2

Thank you.

For this chance. This time it's for real, I will make the change.

So, hi I'm Jon, and I would like you to know me better.

Day 1

Going insane. Literally. I think I'm going to develop some pseudobipolar disorder.

One minute I'm thinking I'm ok; the next I'm blowing my freaking brains out.

I repeated it to myself 100 times (I counted to make sure), I must do this, MUST.

No matter what it takes, if this is what I need to do to gain back your trust, so be it.

Like you said, this isn't over. Yet.

I will change. I must. Just you wait and see. I wiped away the dust on my Bible earlier on today, and realized what a terrible person I had suddenly morphed into. I wasn't like this before. Now I hardly recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I've got to find my way back somehow, to the person I was before - or an even better one. Over the years I've become more and more a hypocrite, becoming the man I always hated. This is far enough. Deep down inside I have always known that I was free-falling to a doom, but I always chose to ignore it. I had no reason to care. Not anymore. Not if changing can give me back my life.

I only wish you are here with me through all of this.

Please Forgive Me

lyrics can't be any more right.

15 & stop

You say start over,
I say let's.
You say let's be friends,
I say let's.
You say let's work it over,
I say let's.
You say it'll take a few years,
I say let's.

I'm in a rut. OSCE in 2 days. This is not the time, not the time. Only got myself to blame for this. How. Why. Maybe it's for the best.
Maybe it isn't.
Maybe I want it now.
Maybe I want you now.
Maybe I can't always get what I want.
Maybe I need to come clean.
Maybe my whole world has now fallen apart.

MGS

Holy shits what a terrible time for this game to be released!!!!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Just finished the 2nd mission :D