2 more weeks to go for endo+repro+renal ICA. I don't feel prepared at all this time around. Man. Don't feel the confidence. Shits.

Congrats to the gf, who got her first choice, University of Liverpool for her PMS.

Breathing

I'm finding my way back to sanity again,
Though I don't really know what I'm going to do when I get there.
Take a breath and hold on tight,
Spin around one more time,
And gracefully fall back to the arms of Grace.

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say and,
Even if you don't want to speak tonight that's alright,
Alright with me.
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing,
Is where I want to be.

I'm looking past the shadows in my mind into the truth and I'm,
Trying to identify the voices in my head.
God which one's you?
Let me feel one more time what it feels like to feel alive,
And break these calluses off of me,
One more time.

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say and,
Even if you don't want to speak tonight that's alright,
Alright with me.
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside your door and listen to you breathing,
Is where I want to be.

I don't want a thing from you.
Bet you're tired of me waiting for the scraps to fall off your table to the ground.

'Cause I just want to be here now.

It's quite a sad thing to see. Everyone trying help one another, but no one is helping themselves, even though that is where the real problem lies.

Sat

Wow it is already October the 26th. ICA on the 14th. Finished one round but can barely remember the facts. ARGHH. To make things worse I can barely remember anything lately, and I've been so clumsy in my life before >_< Am I getting old, or have I got a disease?

Frustrating. Everything is so damn blur now and I keep mixing up stuff. Like ovarian tumors and breast tumors. And the thyroid neoplasms. Roar!

It's as if I have some sleeping sickness thing. Same goes to the gf, who has been lying around the whole evening/night sleeping, waking up to eat dinner and watch TV. Hahaha.

I miss you.

And I still love you :'(

I will be here for you, waiting.

Don't worry.

McD

What a dramatic day. And a tiring one too. Woke up at 7am to get ready to go to the kidney dialysis center in KL. That's when I noticed that my left calf was hurting terribly when I was exerting any force on it, be it standing or walking. Choosing to ignore it because I was running late, I took my shower and met my group mates in front of IMU. We were getting to KL by LRT.

Now halfway thru' the ride on the LRT, I felt a progressive stabbing pain on my left chest, and it was radiating to my upper left arm. I was thinking, "Fuck now I got myocardial infarction." The pain stopped a few seconds later but I was freaked out, but then realised that the chances of a deep vein thrombosis in a 20-yr old male is extremely rare, let alone it leading to pulmonary embolism.

So after going around in a circle - literally - we found the place. The sister in charge gave us a history of the place and the organisation, and started to show us how dialysis was done. I never liked needles, especially when it is stuck into the patient's arm *shudders*, but what happened was unprecedented to me. We were feeling one of the patient's arm for her A-V fistula when I started to get weak in the legs, got dizzy, cold sweat and warm around the neck region. Fucked again I thought. Gave an excuse to the sister and went to 7-11 and bought a drink. Felt better thank God.

So diagnosis? I sure hope it is just because I didn't eat my breakfast this morning so it'll be easier that one feels dizzy in sight of blood on an empty stomach. Better than MI anytime anyday.

Studies have not been particularly good. Relationship going thru' a little bit of a bump, plus have been very tired these few days. Sure wish things were back to the way they were. Give it time, yes. But sometimes, time doesn't heal everything. But sometimes it does too. Let's hope it is the latter huh.

Lazy Saturday

Somehow I can see the end of the tunnel. But where is the light that normally shines from there? Does this mean my job is done here? Am I done here? Was yesterday a brief shimmer of hope or just a desperate attempt to safe everything before the inevitable apocalypse hits home?

Ah I am coming undone.

Plus the repro system must be charged with murder soon - it's killing me.

Hauntings

Life is tough.

Life can be cruel as well I know.

Time and time again it has proven to be true.

Tired of just being nowhere, lost and wandering.

Why were emotions created anyway?

Wanna jump up to the skies of gloom.

Maybe this time I'm never gonna come down.

Maybe this time I don't need to anymore.

Wouldn't life just be perfect then?

Maybe it will be.

Without the worries in the world.

Without any sense of insecurity.

Without chasing the sands of time.

Without fighting and senseless deaths.

Maybe one day it will all come true.

Let's just pray it wouldn't be too late.

13 you can just go and rot in hell where you belong.

!?!

Bernie Mac (Bernard Jeffery McCullough) died August 8th 2008??!!! Since when?? Man I wonder where I was when that news was published in the papers/websites. How come I didn't catch it? Damn it man.

Remember him? He was in movies such as Charlie's Angels, Ocean's 11, 12 & 13, Guess Who, Transformers and the upcoming show Soul Men, in which another actor/super famous 1960's soul singer/voice of Chef in SouthPark Isaac Hayes (WTF he died too already?!!) died one day after Bernie Mac died. O_O All the famous people are going huh.

Man am I lagging or what.

What are the things that make you feel like you have been a horrible person, be it as a son, daughter, lover, mother, boss, student or basically just any person? It is hard isn't it, be perfect and trying to live up to people's expectations and having to please them everyday. Which is why some people just choose to ignore their expectations and plan how to escape that duty of theirs, and by doing so are able to live their lives 'fully'. Does this make them a horrible person, or a horribly smart person in planning and deceiving?

Have been waking up in a daze for the past few days at 8am though I've been sleeping at 3am+. Wonder what's wrong with me. Why do I like to accept things for the way they are (sometimes) and just any problems off, convincing myself that it is ok and nothing is wrong and getting myself to carry on with the situation still unsolved? I know it's shit.

I guess I don't know what I want anymore. Did I ever?

Patho patho

13 better not be an unlucky number. Happy 13 months baby : )

Went ice-skating yesterday at Sunway Pyramid. I'm a pro when it comes to skateboards, but ice-skating?? Yea it was my first time, convinced by the gf - who knows how to ice-skate!! - to go and try. It wasn't that bad I would have to say; in fact it was quite fun haha. Proudest moment? I didn't fall down at all : D 

Then we went to TGV and watched Pathology. Made me want to think twice about Dr Thani and Dr Annie Tay the next times I see them in IMU. Yea it was a short movie, and the plot a little predictable, but I thought it wasn't that bad a movie. Ok probably wasn't that worth RM10, but sure, download it or watch it on HBO. Or Blu-Ray, which will be really cool for the gory bits. Karmen this is probably the movie you've been waiting for since it has Milo Ventimiglia in it as lead actor. 

Anyway, have been studying. A little. Since my ICA is in a month's time or so and there are 3 systems to cover. Damn. I'm almost done on endocrine so I'll see how it goes on the OLIS. Or SILOS or whatever it's called. The P.Kumar notes in endo really kills you. 

whacked

Back in KL after a week in Brunei relaxing. And doing PBL. And reading endocrine. Yea finally decided to start studying. The gf still in Beijing, until tomorrow noon. It is now 2am and I'm freaking tired but lazy to sleep since the whole week in Brunei I had been sleeping early and waking up late. Got to change my routine back to 'normal'. Haha.

Realized that vertigo can be a terribly uncomfortable and annoying thing to have. So inconvenient being not able to stand up and walk around without feeling dizzy and having the room spin around like the vanilla ice cream in the McFlurry-making machine. *drools* But seriously though, it is terrible.